Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Cautiously Optimistic

Since we've last spoken, I've had a ridiculously busy and somewhat bizarre week. I'm in the absolute thick of things now as Christmas singing stuff has begun and school is winding down for the quarter. The pages that I both need to read and write are piling up, but my desires continue to lie simply in nothing in particular. That is not entirely true, but I'm totally having a bunch of those "what's my motivation?" moments.

I had a truly strange singing experience on Saturday where I believe I ended up singing happy birthday to a mail order bride from Romania. I'd have to tell you the entire story in person, but as I walked away with the cash in my hand I couldn't help but feel like a bit of a prostitute. That's being dramatic, but there is something about doing that sort of gig that makes a guy glad to have the cash and just feeling a little bit dirty. Plenty entertained, but still, ya know, ew. Then on my walk home I managed to get called a fag by some dude in a caveman suit. Thus, my relationship with Halloween continues to be tenuous.

My cautiously good news is that it seems I may be promoted at work. This, I say with extreme caution because as I was deducing last night, I just don't trust the system. It's not even that I don't trust the system's intentions, but I don't trust the system here at work to be on my side and really pull for me through this scenario so although I've been presented with a possible good option I don't know specifics and until I do remain to let myself get excited. I am hoping for some more freedom and I think this position would allow me some of that... if it happens. :D

I'm really struggling with what to put out for public consumption right now. I can't type anymore at the moment.

Oh, but before I go, I'm not a big singer song writer guy. I don't have the patience for that kind of stuff, typically, but Damien Jurado has been good to me lately.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Second Hand News

I'm wearing my sneakers at work today. I don't mean vans or something potentially work appropriate, I mean my Nike running shoes which I bought in college when I attempted to become sporty. The reason I'm wearing them is because I'm attempting to be sporty again, or at least somewhat fit and I made my way to the gym this morning to meet my coworker for a before work run. I forgot my work shoes, so I'm stuck with the Nikes. See, if you've read this blog in the past, you know this cycle I go through where I get on a kick and I get inspired and I do a pretty decent job of sticking with something like say, working out, and then something happens where it all just stops. I'm hoping to break that cycle? Maybe? Part of my plan is to keep with this support unit that is my coworker. She is a motivated person. She encourages and is positive and doesn't seem to have the same negative antiworkout voices in her head that I do, so, I'm trying to remain accountable to her. She is at the gym every morning before work and I figure at least I can do three days of the week. The thing is, I feel so good when I do it. That's what I have to remind myself, because the getting there process feels so bad.


After my little rant yesterday about what a sad sap I am, I went to therapy and did some more hashing out. Sometimes I wish I could blog about therapy, but that's probably not a good idea for anyone. I do feel very strongly about going to therapy though. I believe I need it in my life because it is important to have someone in that position tell me what's up. What I mean by that position is someone who doesn't love me, but that I still respect. Does this make sense? Of course advice from friends and family has gotten me through many a rotten situation but there is something about having that person who isn't intertwined in you and is able to say "Do you know you do this?"

I'm listening Fleetwood Mac and it is so good.

I have more to say, but I must run to a meeting.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

State of the State of The LAZE


It's been since June 4th, 2009 since I have written in my blog and honestly. it has been somewhat purposeful. I was doing a lousy job of blogging up until then and I was misguided and thought Twitter was my solution. Little did I know that Twitter was simply going to further cloud my already cloudy brain, so here I sit on October 27th, 2009 neither Tweeting nor blogging nor seemingly doing anything successfully.

I'm in a rut, my friends.

I kind of don't even know where to start because this rut is a rut I've been digging for a long time and it's one I keep attempting to combat by running around like a chicken with my head cut off, but it doesn't solve anything. See, I just end up right back in the same place. Somewhat discontent and feeling lousy for feeling discontent because for all intents and purposes things are quite good for me. This, I'm learning is my intense moralism that doesn't really help anyone, especially me. Rather than damning myself for not being happy with what I have I need to sit still and figure out why it is that I'm feeling this way. That's the part I'm really lousy at. Seriously, sitting still is something I don't know how to do. I mean, I can totally not do anything... for like, days and days, but really sitting still with myself and figuring out what the hell is going on is something I've just not ever been able to do. And with all these distractions, you know, the Internet and television and and and I always manage to come up with more but those are the two major killers.

The truth of the matter is, I am so close to being done with school. If everything goes as planned I will complete my non-descript degree that I feel less than passionate about by the end of March. That is less than six months away and as I get older I realize how quickly less than six months will go by. But, the here and now, the homework and simply going to all classes? It's really damn hard for me. I think it becomes especially hard because I try to do so many other things at once as well, like work full time and be a musician and maintain friendships, but this is an old story. If you know me at all, you've heard it before, but the kicker is that I can't seem to just accept that, make sacrifices, dig down and complete my tasks, but rather I just sit around feeling guilty that I haven't done any of my work (moralism anyone?). Then after the guilt sits for a bit reality sets in and I just kind of collapse under the weight of my assignment and squeak something out, but not without significant anxiety. But you know the worst part is that whatever I squeak out? It earns me a decent grade! Which, unfortunately does not speak to my brilliance as a student, but I'm convinced to the low expectations in graduate school. Bah!

But then, there is work. It's been a real emotional rollercoaster around here since June. It's really more story than a blog can merit, but part of what I always loved about my job is that it required very little from me emotionally so I was able to invest my emotions elsewhere, namely in my art and friends and potentially school if school would spur emotions. Work lately has just been sucking the emotion out of everything else. It's really too bad because I love where I work. It makes so much sense for my life. Geographically it is convenient, environmentally it is pleasing and socially, I have such a wonderful time with the people I work with. But, professionally, it is all wrong. It was a means to an end I've tried to turn it into something more than that, only to find that it won't budge. So, here I sit, patiently (not-so) waiting to complete a degree that I can't even bring myself to do the most basic assignments for, so that I can get out of a professional wasteland.

Less than 6 mo!

And then there is singing, which is actually going well! Imagine that? But, that makes life extra frustrating because I don't have the time to dedicate the proper energy to it. I've taken on another student and found a studio where I am teaching. This makes me feel exponentially more professional, rather than inviting unsuspecting strangers into my home to learn to sing, which was more cost effective, but now that I've moved (oh! I moved! more on that in a bit) this was what had to happen and it is for the best. But, then I had a sorry reminder of why it is sometimes a pain in the ass to be a singer rather than let's say and oboist. I got this killer cold last week and I was generally useless, but especially useless because I couldn't sing and it sucks when you have to depend on your body like that. I don't care for it much, I must say. Regardless, other gigs also keep coming along. Get this, this Friday, I'm going to some dude's house to sing for his wife's birthday party. I just show up and sing Happy Birthday! The kicker is that he would love it if I can do it in Romanian. I don't know if that is going to happen, but I'm kind of amused by the challenge. I have this feeling though I'm going to show up to this house and it's gonna be some Romanian swingers party or something. Fingers crossed!

Yes, so I moved. This has actually been a highlight of my life within the last 6 mo. I was so fearful of this move. I really was. The day before the move I had a near panic attack because I was making the decision to move in with a roommate and having lived on my own for the past three years this seemed like a potentially disastrous proposition, but thank the Lord Jesus, I was wrong. My roommate has been a pleasant surprise. The quick of the story is that she bought a condo and was seeking a roommate before she had even moved in, so we moved in at the same time at the end of July. We get along splendidly and seem to have similar expectations about the space. We are similarly busy, but enjoy trashy television together when we are home. I feel extremely comfortable there, perfectly happy to spend my days just being home, not quite doing anything. It's a good feeling and I'm thankful for this situation.

And then there is my love life... which, I don't write about on here. It seems foolish to put that sort of thing out there for public consumption, but let's just say it this way. I'm not doing particularly well when it comes to matters of romance. It's one of those things that I think I really need to sit still with, but I don't know that at this point in the game I am quite able to do that. I have so much to learn.

Here's the thing. This morning, I waiting for the bus and I sit there and I think about why I'm in a foul mood and I think of ways to try and get myself out of the funk and I think that is part of the problem. I think I need to sit with it and be in a foul mood and understand it better. The truth of the matter is I just want to take off. That is my first instinct, to just go away somewhere, but then you come back and you still have the same stuff to get done and it doesn't go away, so I need to sit still and try to push through that stuff. I'm sorry for those of you who have to deal with my lousy attitude in the meantime. I'm working on it.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

20 Pages

Sorry to not blog much these days, but I find myself tweeting more and more. This seems like less of a commitment and I can say things as they come. For better or worse.

I did want to say that this morning I got up and pulled open my venetian blinds to my bedroom window only to have them snap in half and crash to the floor. Needless to say, that was the final straw with this whole moving thing.

I think I've found the right place. It is near where I live now and it is potentially a better situation. I feel torn about it because in many ways is it a move down with regards to space and some amenities, but overall it will be a much safer home. It also has wonderful light and little back porch that I will sip my coffee on in the morning. I think it is going to be alright. I also think I can talk them down a bit on the price. I'm working on my negotiating skills, but I fear I fail miserably. I'll give it a try.

So, I have this 20 page paper due next Wednesday and I have yet to begin it. I just keep talking about it. I've told everyone I know that I have 20 pages to write, but I don't write a thing. I just dread it. That is all I do. This is one of the ways in which I'm a horrible student. I think 20 pages is just terribly daunting and so I have resolved to force myself into a place where I just have no choice but to stay up all night and do it. The problem with that is that I'M NOT JUST A STUDENT. I can't just stay up all night, because well, I have to work. Finishing this degree will be a true test of my will.

I've just completed compiling the mixes for Tina's potluck prom that will be happening tomorrow night. She created the list, I just put the tunes together and it is a super 80's good time. I'm sure there will be prom pictures to show for it.

Off I go.

Monday, June 1, 2009


This morning I made my way into work, sat down at my desk, answered a few email, listened to some voice mail and discovered this this message on my machine:

I now can proceed with my week feeling fulfilled.

Thursday, May 28, 2009

Comma Comma Comma

I'm having one of those "what's my motivation?" days.

Before I get too far into that, let me say that my mother's 73rd birthday is today.
She's awesome.
I don't know quite what to say about her that I haven't said.
But, if she knew how to surf the internet, she could read this and know that I love her and am happy to have her in my life.

But, since she wont ever read this let me get back to my self-pity.

The truth of the matter is, I'm a little lost right now.
I feel that I need to move, ya know, since the robbery and all and I am not on a lease, so I can move, whenever I want. (Like all those commas?) So that seems like a good thing, right? You can move whenever to wherever you like and so stop complaining? Yea, yea, I know but here's the thing. I can't really pay more than I pay now, and I have a pretty good deal so living alone doesn't seem much of an option unless I want to live in a studio with just me and my kind sized bed. This, although theoretically wonderful seeming, is not for me. I would like to live somewhere with a separate bedroom (imagine that!) So, then I'm left with the challenge of searching for a roommate because you can get a lot more bang for your buck with a roomie. In fact, I've found some incredible places that if I were to share with someone I would pay much less than I pay now.

But, finding this person is the challenge. I need to find someone who would be good to live with, wants to live in an area I would like to live in and wants to pay around what I would like to pay. This is a lot to line up with someone.

So, I've put some feelers out there (sounds dirty) and the response has been lack luster to say the least. Maybe I'm not a terribly appealing roommate? I don't know, but I feel this search may prove for naught.

I'm not on a lease. This can happen when it needs to. I'm trying to remain optimistic.

But then there is all this other stuff I need to do, like well, finish school for the year. But I can't seem to concentrate because I'm focused on the ways in which I feel uncomfortable in my home and need/want to move.

And really, what I should be working on is getting ready for my parents 50th wedding anniversary party. But I keep telling myself I should get my school work done first, but then I don't do my school work because I'm looking at apartments I can't afford to move into.

These are the things that are making me think more than I should.

In an effort to combat all of this, I'm thinking I need to see the new Star Trek movie because everyone who I know who has seen it has loved it, so I imagine since I do my best to like what everyone else likes, I will feel the same.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

NashVegas, Baby!

Soooo, Nashville was awesome. Seriously, one of the best big small cities I've been to in quite sometime. The landscape is lush, the people are perfectly slow and the gathering we partook in made anything I wouldn't have enjoyed fade right away.

Friday morning I got up at the butt crack-o-dawn and made my way out to midway airport only to realize everyone else was going away on the Friday before Memorail Day. Duh. But it ended up being just fine as I made my way to the plane in time and to Nashville by 9am to be greeted by my dearest soon to be wed Adrianne. We spent the day trying to wrangle others who were making their way into the city eventually landing back at home base so that everyone could just come to them. The evening involved our friend Sara and her boyfriend large procuring a LIMO from some guy they met at the gran ole opry. This may be surprising in some circles, but in any circle that knows Sara, this will not come as a shock. The night went forth with much fun and dueling pianos! The next day we made our way to a park in the woods outside of Nashville for a giant picnic that included most guests of the wedding. I witnessed Adrianne's 85 yr old grandmother play softball (1st base!) and generally a great time had by all. Sunday, Mary and I got up to make a TJMaxx run only to find out that pretty much all of the suburb we were staying in also enjoyed going to the Maxx on Sunday mornings when the store opens. Who knew? We then took our time getting ready and headed to have our pictures taken for the wedding then participate in the ceremony.

It was lovely. Really. All around a thoughful ceremony with great people and wonderful details. I was honored to participate and thankful for the time spent with some people from my past.

I have a bit of visual evidence.