Tuesday, October 27, 2009

State of the State of The LAZE


It's been since June 4th, 2009 since I have written in my blog and honestly. it has been somewhat purposeful. I was doing a lousy job of blogging up until then and I was misguided and thought Twitter was my solution. Little did I know that Twitter was simply going to further cloud my already cloudy brain, so here I sit on October 27th, 2009 neither Tweeting nor blogging nor seemingly doing anything successfully.

I'm in a rut, my friends.

I kind of don't even know where to start because this rut is a rut I've been digging for a long time and it's one I keep attempting to combat by running around like a chicken with my head cut off, but it doesn't solve anything. See, I just end up right back in the same place. Somewhat discontent and feeling lousy for feeling discontent because for all intents and purposes things are quite good for me. This, I'm learning is my intense moralism that doesn't really help anyone, especially me. Rather than damning myself for not being happy with what I have I need to sit still and figure out why it is that I'm feeling this way. That's the part I'm really lousy at. Seriously, sitting still is something I don't know how to do. I mean, I can totally not do anything... for like, days and days, but really sitting still with myself and figuring out what the hell is going on is something I've just not ever been able to do. And with all these distractions, you know, the Internet and television and and and I always manage to come up with more but those are the two major killers.

The truth of the matter is, I am so close to being done with school. If everything goes as planned I will complete my non-descript degree that I feel less than passionate about by the end of March. That is less than six months away and as I get older I realize how quickly less than six months will go by. But, the here and now, the homework and simply going to all classes? It's really damn hard for me. I think it becomes especially hard because I try to do so many other things at once as well, like work full time and be a musician and maintain friendships, but this is an old story. If you know me at all, you've heard it before, but the kicker is that I can't seem to just accept that, make sacrifices, dig down and complete my tasks, but rather I just sit around feeling guilty that I haven't done any of my work (moralism anyone?). Then after the guilt sits for a bit reality sets in and I just kind of collapse under the weight of my assignment and squeak something out, but not without significant anxiety. But you know the worst part is that whatever I squeak out? It earns me a decent grade! Which, unfortunately does not speak to my brilliance as a student, but I'm convinced to the low expectations in graduate school. Bah!

But then, there is work. It's been a real emotional rollercoaster around here since June. It's really more story than a blog can merit, but part of what I always loved about my job is that it required very little from me emotionally so I was able to invest my emotions elsewhere, namely in my art and friends and potentially school if school would spur emotions. Work lately has just been sucking the emotion out of everything else. It's really too bad because I love where I work. It makes so much sense for my life. Geographically it is convenient, environmentally it is pleasing and socially, I have such a wonderful time with the people I work with. But, professionally, it is all wrong. It was a means to an end I've tried to turn it into something more than that, only to find that it won't budge. So, here I sit, patiently (not-so) waiting to complete a degree that I can't even bring myself to do the most basic assignments for, so that I can get out of a professional wasteland.

Less than 6 mo!

And then there is singing, which is actually going well! Imagine that? But, that makes life extra frustrating because I don't have the time to dedicate the proper energy to it. I've taken on another student and found a studio where I am teaching. This makes me feel exponentially more professional, rather than inviting unsuspecting strangers into my home to learn to sing, which was more cost effective, but now that I've moved (oh! I moved! more on that in a bit) this was what had to happen and it is for the best. But, then I had a sorry reminder of why it is sometimes a pain in the ass to be a singer rather than let's say and oboist. I got this killer cold last week and I was generally useless, but especially useless because I couldn't sing and it sucks when you have to depend on your body like that. I don't care for it much, I must say. Regardless, other gigs also keep coming along. Get this, this Friday, I'm going to some dude's house to sing for his wife's birthday party. I just show up and sing Happy Birthday! The kicker is that he would love it if I can do it in Romanian. I don't know if that is going to happen, but I'm kind of amused by the challenge. I have this feeling though I'm going to show up to this house and it's gonna be some Romanian swingers party or something. Fingers crossed!

Yes, so I moved. This has actually been a highlight of my life within the last 6 mo. I was so fearful of this move. I really was. The day before the move I had a near panic attack because I was making the decision to move in with a roommate and having lived on my own for the past three years this seemed like a potentially disastrous proposition, but thank the Lord Jesus, I was wrong. My roommate has been a pleasant surprise. The quick of the story is that she bought a condo and was seeking a roommate before she had even moved in, so we moved in at the same time at the end of July. We get along splendidly and seem to have similar expectations about the space. We are similarly busy, but enjoy trashy television together when we are home. I feel extremely comfortable there, perfectly happy to spend my days just being home, not quite doing anything. It's a good feeling and I'm thankful for this situation.

And then there is my love life... which, I don't write about on here. It seems foolish to put that sort of thing out there for public consumption, but let's just say it this way. I'm not doing particularly well when it comes to matters of romance. It's one of those things that I think I really need to sit still with, but I don't know that at this point in the game I am quite able to do that. I have so much to learn.

Here's the thing. This morning, I waiting for the bus and I sit there and I think about why I'm in a foul mood and I think of ways to try and get myself out of the funk and I think that is part of the problem. I think I need to sit with it and be in a foul mood and understand it better. The truth of the matter is I just want to take off. That is my first instinct, to just go away somewhere, but then you come back and you still have the same stuff to get done and it doesn't go away, so I need to sit still and try to push through that stuff. I'm sorry for those of you who have to deal with my lousy attitude in the meantime. I'm working on it.

1 comment:

MC said...

So. Glad. You're. Back. (Now I'm not a mess online alone.)